My wife was emailed this image & funny little story and passed it my way. Quick thinking wins again!
Maryannaville collected some great quotes for her blog post When Insults Had Class. I notice almost all were from or about men.
I am not insulted.
Here are some of my favorites, with a couple others I found.
An Owl Named FOD - Story behind the picture: An aircraft carrier crew found a screech owl in the wheel well of F/A 18 Hornet jet, adopted it, and named it "FOD," an airforce acronym which stands for oreign bject, ebris...Could be true.
This line from The Office (U.S. version) cracks me up every time.
- I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
- There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
- Life is sexually transmitted.
- Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
- The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
I received this by email. I can't find the origin (look up "Dog's Purpose" and you'll get all kinds of hits). But it's worth repeating here. Very cute.
I rec'd this by email from my wife. I told her I wasn't sure what she was trying to communicate...And then the fight started!
One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started...
I received this from a dear friend by email...Enjoy!
Washington, DC Metro Station on a cold January morning. A man with a violin plays six Bach pieces for about 45 minutes. During that time approx. 2 thousand people passed through the station, most of them on their way to work. After 3 minutes a middle-aged man noticed there was a musician playing. He slowed his pace and stopped for a few seconds and then hurried to meet his schedule....
4 minutes later:
The violinist received his first dollar: a woman threw the money in the hat and, without stopping, continued to walk.
A young man leaned against the wall to listen to him, then looked at his watch and started to walk again...
Not Had Sex in a While - Whyatt Comic - My wife said the comparable image for a woman would be show her eggs turning into little chick--chicks and frogs.
Brilliant comic from Bill Watterson's Calvin and Hobbes comic...One of my favorites.
Received this from my sister by email. Cute...I'm gonna go watch the Westminster dog show!
A wealthy old Gentleman decides to go on a hunting safari in Africa, taking his faithful, elderly dog named Killer, along for the company.
One day the old dog starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers
that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old dog thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old dog exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"
Busty Virgin Mary Outrages Catholics - For his fashion show in Chile, designer Ricardo Oyarzun plans to dress models according to his vision of the Virgin Mary. True to his industry, that vision features women with ample, near-naked breasts. True to their mission, the Roman Catholic Church has condemned Ricardo Oyarzun and his show, and a conservative group has tried and failed to block the show's production in court.
I absolutely love everything about this video by Matt Harding and Melissa Nixon. The music is wonderfully haunting, the images and colors so uplifting, and the editing right on. It will make you smile...I promise.
Lyrics (with English translation) for the music, Praan by Garry Schyman, are below...
Baby Turtle Eating Strawberry - Gwen Turner-Juarez took this photo of a baby turtle eating a strawberry. I couldn't resist sharing.
8 Bad Words - Found this video by Trevor Crook kinda informative and funny--not George Carlin funny by any means, however...
Received from a relative...this had me cracking up for quite a while...enjoy!
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. But listen very, very closely......
Friendship between Women
A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
Friendship between Men
A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.
Source - Why Men Have Better Friends
The Dog's Diary
8:00 am - Dog food! My favorite thing!
9:30 am - A car ride! My favorite thing!
9:40 am - A walk in the park! My favorite thing!
10:30 am - Got rubbed and petted! My favorite thing!
12:00 pm - Milk bones! My favorite thing!
1:00 pm - Played in the yard! My favorite thing!
3:00 pm - Wagged my tail! My favorite thing!
5:00 pm - Dinner! My favorite thing!
7:00 pm - Got to play ball! My favorite thing!
8:00 pm - Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favorite thing!
11:00 pm - Sleeping on the bed! My favorite thing!
Found this parable in various places. Nice story.
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican village. An American tourist complimented the Mexican fisherman on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took him to catch them.
"Not very long," answered the Mexican.
"But then, why didn't you stay out longer and catch more?" asked the American.
Raspberry Sized Turtle - Too cute...and somehow I don't think this is photoshopped, but perhaps I'm naive. Love the image in any case...
Men Not Needed to Create Sperm - Finally, proof that the male of the species is superfluous: scientists at the University of Newcastle have created human sperm cells from female embryonic stem cells. Coming research....I didn't intend that pun...will focus on creating sperm from female bone marrow, a less controversial source.
But this technique would only produce a female egg, right?
Actually, current efforts won't produce a viable egg at all. Before that can happen, the researchers must figure out a way to induce the cells to undergo meiosis, which would give the diploid cells the correct amount of genetic material.
Unix Commands for Sex - If you're not doing it right, try this...
gawk; grep; unzip; touch; strip; init, uncompress, gasp; finger; find, route, whereis, which, mount; fsck; nice, more; yes; gasp; umount; head, halt, renice, restore, touch, whereis, which, route, mount, more, yes, gasp, umount, expand, ping, make clean; sleep
"Welcome to the Wieners Circle--Can I take your order, BIT@%!"
What would happen if you felt free to say whatever foul thing you wanted? At The Wieners Circle in Chicago, you can almost get that experience.
The Wieners Circle is a hot dog stand in Chicago that caters to an inebriated, late-night clientele. This special population can turn quite verbally aggressive, and some 15 years ago, owner Larry Gold got fed up. He told his employees:
"Whatever they dish out, we have to dish out back to them."
And so they did.
George Carlin - Wisdom Stinks - I'm always entertained and provoked by George Carlin's words. He gets me thinking, which can be a dangerous thing. And as he gets older, he's sharing more wisdom. But even Carlin would agree, some of this wisdom...well, it stinks.
As the husband of a Deaf woman who attended Gallaudet University and Cal State University Northridge...I understand this cartoon from Dustinland only TOO well. As she likes to say, she entered Gallaudet a hard-of-hearing girl, and left CSUN a Deaf woman....There's a double meaning there, for those who understand Deaf culture.
*Used with Dustin's permission
"Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested that men should take a look at their beer consumption, considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding 100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed that 100% of the men gained weight, talked excessively without making sense, became overly emotional, couldn't drive, failed to think rationally, argued over nothing, and refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is planned."
Old news, but fun to remember where the Colbert Report started.
"Truthiness." Stephen Colbert of Comedy Central's Colbert Report popularized the word "truthiness," and it has been selected by the American Dialect Society as the "2005 Word of the Year."
But all this begs the question: What does "truthiness" mean? And who or what is the American Dialect Society?
The truth hurts...
The Engineer and the Manager - Received this funny (dare I say insightful) piece in an email recently. It compares an engineer and a manager, and involves a hot air balloon.
Could you substitute "engineer and manager" with "husband and wife," "father and son," or "Ryan Seacrest and Simon Cowell"?
Hubba, hubba, hubba. Sex sells servers for QSOL.COM. In poor taste...but gave me a laugh :)
My wife passed this one along...Being of the male persuasion, I was intrigued by the question...The .
What Religion is Your Bra?
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man. "There's more than one type?"
Rap Lyrics Translated - Story goes that an Oakland High School student earned the school district’s highest honors at an Ebonics Translation Competition with this inventive translation of rap lyrics into....What? Honky talk?
WARNING - Lyrics and translations contain sexual and violent themes (which, sadly, can be heard coming from the mouths of grade-schoolers). I find it difficult to believe a school district would sponsor such a competition, but it's a kick none-the-less.
My apologies to the billion plus people of Chinese descent, this post (from an email) is in very poor taste and culturally insensitive...but it made me laugh :)
Rec'd this by email (soon after seeing on Reddit). Quite funny, though I was disappointed that there was no followup to the reference to bacon grease, as promised.
ADVICE FOR ANYONE MOVING TO TEXAS
1. Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
2. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Just stay home the two days of the year it snows.
3. If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
4. Don't be surprised to find movie rentals & bait in the same store.
5. Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
- Who writes elevator music? Do they do it intentionally?
- If our moms were setting us up on a blind date, what three things would your mom tell mine about you?
- If you were a candy bar, which one would you be, and why?
- If they made a movie about your life, which actor should portray you?
- What was your favorite cereal as a kid?
What I learned from President Bush - A sad statement that reflects current sentiment about President Bush and his legacy.
Absolutely delightful interview with John Cleese by Michael Parkinson. Six parts on Youtube. Enjoy...
Videos were removed...bummer... Perhaps there's another source.
- Received this by email. Totally hilarious and, as per George Carlin, so very insightful. Carlin's wisdom grows with age.
George Carlin on Aging
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. "How old are you?" "I'm four and a half!"
You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. "How old are you?" "I'm gonna be 16!" You could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16!
Myers-Briggs Personality Types - Here's a hilarious version of the famous Myers-Briggs Personality Types. Totally loved the often comic book perspective. It's a lot of fun to guess where where you and others fit into this personality universe.....
Heaven is where the police are British,
the chefs Italian,
the mechanics German,
the lovers French,
and it's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where the police are German,
the chefs are British,
the mechanics French,
the lovers Swiss,
and it is all organized by the Italians.
Rec'd this by email. Quite funny and spot on.
An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
when it happens, they wish they were dead!
Kinoki Detox Foot Pads - What a bizzare idea...foot pads to remove toxins from inside your body.
A more plausible product would be detox anal pads.
I don't see how the Kinoki Detox Foot Pads could possibly work. But for $19.95 plus shipping, I can get all the pads I want FOR LIFE!
Yes! All I have to do is pay $9.95 shipping and handling for each additional set of pads. $10 bucks for S&H. Amazing Randi fans was not convinced by claims about Kinoki Detox Foot Pads. One reader had this explanation of how the pads "work".
I wonder how long this company will last. Below are some detox foot pads offered via Amazon that are cheaper.
Butt Out! - I heard about this bizzaro product or tool on reddit. After some investigation, I discovered the product is named Butt Out -- which describes exactly what the tool does. To learn more, have a look at the picture below, and if you have the stomach, the video farther down.
It sure isn't a "pleasuring device" as someone suggested...
Beyonce Bidet CD - What the hell were Beyonce's marketing people thinking? B' Day?
- Bidet - bi-'dA
- A bathroom fixture used especially for bathing the external genitals and the anal region
About the last thing I think about when admiring Beyonce is...well, actually...
Building a matchstick airplane is one thing. Building a matchstick airplane powered by flies is another.
Totally hilarious. I wish I had the patience to actually attempt these instructions; however, they are worth a look, if only for their entertainment value. Funny stuff.
Here are some highlights...
Cabin Pressure: One Man's Desperate Attempt to Recapture His Youth as a Camp Counselor - The title got my attention; after the first page, I was hooked. Josh Wolk has written a totally hilarious book. Highly recommended.
|Cabin Pressure: One Man's Desperate Attempt to Recapture His Youth as a Camp Counselor by Josh Wolk|
Hooters Breastaurants - Got NO Milk! - I pulled into a motel late one night, and had a craving for a bowl of Cheerios. I had the cereal, but no milk. The front desk referred me to the Hooters Breastaurant next door -- the only eating establishment within walking distance. So I march in, trying not to ogle at the Hooters girls attending homesick businessmen. I finally get the attention of a Hooters waitress and make my request...
Classic piece off of craigslist. Totally hilarious. If link dies, read cached copy below.
NO SEX TONIGHT!
I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.
FOR EXAMPLE: One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed...
- Where The Hell Is Matt? - Videos
- I can't believe I watched the whole thing...but I did...and with smile....Great job, Matt!
Creative Canine Crossbreeding - Here’s what you get when you cross a......
- Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso: A dog that folds up for easy transport.
- Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow: A dog that throws up a lot.
- Maltese + any other breed = Maltese Cross
- Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter: A traditional Christmas pet
- Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye: A dog for visionaries.
- Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs: A puzzling breed.
- Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer: A dog fresh and clean as a whistle.
- Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso: An absract dog.
- Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever: The choice of research scientists.
- Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound: A dog for financial advisors.
- Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull: A dog that makes awful mistakes.
- Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador: A dog that barks incessantly.
- Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point: Owned by.... oh well, it doesn’t matter.
- Collie + Malamute = Commute: A dog that travels to work.
- Deerhound + Terrier = Derriere: A dog that’s true to the end.
How Men and Women Shower - Totally love this short video explaining/demonstrating the differences in how men and women take a shower. Cute, funny, safe-for-work.
How Men and Women Shower
Get One's Goat - Heard about origin of this phrase on NPR. The story starts with a horse's ass...actually, it involves the whole horse--a thoroughbred horse to be exact. Because of breeding, thoroughbred horses tend to be very jumpy, nervous animals. Goats are the exact opposite, tending to be calm and unshakable. Someone noticed this contrast and wondered if the goat's demeanor would have a calming influence on the horse. As a test, a goat was put into the stall of a thoroughbred horse. As hoped, the horse calmed a bit AND, most importantly, the horse ran better in the next race.
Next thing you knew, all thoroughbreds stalls had a companion goat.
Soon some unscrupulous owners began kidnapping (pun?) the goats of competitor's horses, hoping the disruption would help their still goat-calmed horses to win their races.
Out of this practice came the phrase "to get one's goat."
Miller Ad About Beer and Makeup - This advertisement (photoshopped?) had me grinning for quite a while...
Miller Ad About Beer and Makeup
The Importance of Punctuation
An English professor wrote these words on a blackboard:
Then directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "A woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "A woman: without her, man is nothing."
Remote Control for Men
I wonder what women want on a remote control. And notice the apple logo...Is this a reference to the apple in Adam and Eve?
What Movie Rating Would You Give Your Life? - If you had to assign a movie rating to your life, what would it be? Is your life R rated? G rated? Do live G rated lives?...I guess some have NC-17 sins.
As recipes for life, the movie rating system takes on a whole new meaning...
Funny Words in Court - From a little book called Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History. Here are about 30 things people actually said in court, word for word.
Classic piece off Craigslist. Some points are very insightful. Some angry. Some kind of...odd. But all worth reading. If link dies, read cached copy.
What a Teacher Makes by Taylor Mali - Found this video recently, and the performance knocked me out of my PJs. Below are both the and of Taylor Mali's poem/rant. Absolutely fantastic. BTW, there are a couple performances available online. IMHO this one is the best.
Found this somewhere recently...I think by email. At first I just found it funny. But then I thought it was sad. Now I'm not sure how to take it.
These are real notes written by parents in a Tennessee school district...(spellings have been left intact.)
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
Fresno Barbie - Having lived some of my formative years in Fresno, California, this Fresno Barbie bit had me in stitches. Perhaps only a Fresno native would appreciate the humor.
Rec'd via email--Thanks Sharene!
River Park Barbie
River Park Barbie
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer H2. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Physical Trainer Rocky. You won't be able to afford any of them.
Choosing Medical Specialty - Medical Students must choose a medical specialty at some point, and here is clever decision tree to help.
Med Student's Decision Tree for Choosing Medical Specialty
Rec'd by email...VERY funny...even wise.
1. If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Don't worry about what people think, they don't do it very often.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
4. It ain't the jeans that make your butt look fat.
5. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
- Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right and. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
- Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in right arm (To avoid wound on left arm) and repeat process.
- Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
From Dion in Idaho
Are you tired of all those sissy "friendship" poems that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship:
Problem Solving Flow Chart - I love the potentially infinite loop...Can you find it?
Warning: Use of profanity makes this content not suitable for children.
Durex Condom Ads - Condom ads that are safe for work. Very clever.
The Worthless Peons (also known as Ted's Band or the Blanks) are an a cappella group made up of hospital employees from different departments in the TV series Scrubs. The Worthless Peons are played by The Blanks, a real-life a cappella band made up of Sam Lloyd (who plays Ted), George Miserlis, Paul F. Perry, and Philip McNiven. The Blanks album, Riding the Wave, features guest performances from Bill Lawrence and members of the Scrubs cast.
I wonder if this the Riding the Wave album made any money...
Funny Billboards - Some of these billboards are hilarious. God! I hope they're photoshopped and not real...though I could see Ikea actually doing this one...
Newspaper Headlines - Found these at Funny Pages. They are all hopefully inadvertent. Some very funny. Some take a while to get what's wrong. Here are a few of my favorites:
- Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation
- Never withhold herpes from loved one
- Farmer bill dies in house
- Organ festival ends in smashing climax
Photoshopped Celebrity Faces - What is wrong with this picture?
Absolutely brilliant!!! This woman nails the situation on the head:
DO READ her original post: A Peaceful Marriage is Not Always 50/50
Soccer Kid - Totally cute video I found on YouTube titled Soccer Kid. Works in any language. No translation required...
Serious warning from post off CraigsList.org. Is there more truth to this than we care to admit?
WARNING - This post contains some mild sexual content.
As a driver, Wayne Gerdes is schizophrenic - one moment he's driving like an old lady, the next like Michael Schumacher. He's a maniac on a mission, getting 59-plus miles per gallon with an unmodified Honda Accord. However, it's not the car that generates the great mileage; it's the driver. Wayne's driving philosophy can be summed up with two of his favorite driving techniques...
I call this a Cactus Pacifier. God help the sick S.O.B. who came up with this idea...
Rec'd by email from Ami....Could all these "facts" be true?
- 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.
- On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
- Most lipstick contains fish scales (eeww).
- If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar (good to know.)
- Guinness Book of Records holds the record for being the book most often stolen from Public Libraries.
Caffeine Curve Graph by Tom Edwards - Same curve applies to a sugar induced high -- or any other high for that matter -- though the time frame may need adjusting...
Police Attention - One way to get the attention of the police....
Woman Airborne on Sleigh - Too, TOO funny. Swapped from SI.com. Do have a look at their other interesting photos. I couldn't resist sharing this one.
No comment...Except to say this knitted penis doll in the picture might be a better Christmas gift than Amazon's Dora The Exlorer Sex Toy.
15 things you don't know about your penis
By Mike Zimmerman
- There are two types of penises. One kind expands and lengthens when becoming erect (a grower). The other appears big most of the time, but doesn't get much bigger after achieving erection (a shower).
- Smoking can shorten your penis by as much as a centimeter. Erections are all about good bloodflow, and lighting up calcifies blood vessels, stifling erectile circulation. So even if you don't care all that much about your lungs or dying young, spare the li'l guy.
- No brain is necessary for ejaculation. That order comes from the spinal cord. Finding a living vessel for said ejaculation, however, takes hours of careful thought and, often, considerable amounts of alcohol.
Rec'd this from my wife...Go figure.
Men's Rules - We always hear the rules from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side.
Please note…these are all numbered "1" on purpose!
- Breasts are for looking at and that is why we do it. Don’t try to change that.
- If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
- Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
What Dave Barry Learned in 50 Years - Got this by email. Totally hilarious....After the first three, I lost bladder control--Thanks Dave Barry!
- Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
- There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
Scrubs Charlie Brown Christmas - For a Scrubs obsessed nut like myself, this was a blessed find...
Scrubs Cast Performs Charlie Brown Christmas - Brilliant!
Rumor has it this was done for a Scrubs Christmas party. Voices clearly come from the real Scrubs cast. Totally hilarious!
Absolutely hilarious! The original version has been augmented by enthusiastic geeky husbands (and wives?) Enjoy!
Upgrading from Girlfriend to Wife - Last year a friend of mine upgraded from Girlfriend 4.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it's a memory hog leaving few system resources for other applications. He is also now noticing the Wife 1.0 is also spawning Child-processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomenon was included in the product documentation, though other users have informed me that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.
Rec'd via email.
- We polish the Polish furniture.
- He could lead if he would get the lead out.
- A farm can produce produce.
- The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.
- The soldier decided to desert in the desert.
- The present is a good time to present the present.
American Airlines Codename Jim Wilson - If you go up to an American Airlines check-in counter under the name Jim Wilson, the agent will give you a double-take. That's because...
Jim Wilson .
Make you wonder, Why did they choose the name Jim Wilson?
Perhaps Jim Wilson was the first customer?
Rec'd via email...a couple times. Popular and funny list of analogies used in high school essays. I think some of them are pretty inventive.
- The ballerina rose gracefully en Pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
- She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.
- His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
- He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East River.
- Her hair glistened in the rain, like a nose hair after a sneeze.
What exactly is Dora exploring with this toy?
Dora the Explorer Aquapet - This is an actual child's toy listed (until recently) on Amazon. Looks like a sex ed. prop gone wrong. What were the Dora the Explorer toy designers thinking when they created this?
In my defense, my wife thought the same thing when she saw the toy. So did Dave Barry! And his readers made these comments about Dora's Aquapet Toy
Looks like Amazon has already pulled the Dora the Explorer Aquapet product.
Found this on answer.yahoo.com. In poor taste, but funny.
Tyrone asked his work buddy, Robert, one morning, "Man, why you always so damn happy when you come to work every day?"
Robert replied, "Because I make love to my wife every morning before work."
Amazed, Tyrone asked him how he gets his wife to make love to him every morning.
"That's easy," Robert said, "I just tell her this little poem that I made up.
David Armand as "Johann Lippowitz" Mimes Natalie Imbruglia's Torn - Here's a fascinating and funny video performance of Torn by Natalie Imbruglia with mime/sign language assistance from David Armand (Johann Lippowitz). I was very impressed with how Natalie and Johann integrated their talents. Armand's Lippowitz character could have easily stolen the show, but Natalie managed to "get into the act." Excellent.
Nerf N-Strike Maverick Toy Gun - I bought my son a toy, and I'm the only one playing with it.
I did this with a Nerf N-Strike Maverick toy gun, a Nerf dart six-shooter. Since it was ridiculously cheap ($8 each), I bought two so my son and a friend could have shootouts...
...I suppose that's not smart parenting on so many levels, but I won't go there.
As soon as my son unwrapped them, I opened one and starting shooting anything convenient.
That was hard to resist! -- but few other temptations avoiding being a target. My wife was a favorite, as were the much too delicate ornaments on the Christmas tree.
"You know that look women get when they want sex?....Me neither."
~ Steve Martin
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy."
~ Tom Clancy
"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand."
~ Woody Allen
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time."
~ Robin Williams
Benjamin Franklin's very funny...and sensible...advice to a young man seeking a mistress over marriage. Franklin's argument speaks to the value of experience over youth. Is the argument as compelling today as it might have been in 1745? And who was the young man Franklin addresses?
Rec'd from co-worker this list of 21 funny statements made by pilots or attendents in the cabin of commercial airliners. Here are the top three...
1. On a Southwest flight 245 (SW has no assigned seating, you just sit where you want) passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
2. On a Continental Flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants."
3. On landing, the stewardess said, "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have.
Olin Shivers wrote an acknowledgements section to his Scsh Reference Manual that worried his friends.
Acknowledgments should be filled with Thank you's and Couldn't have done it without you's. Olin Shivers acknowledgments section thanked no one. In fact, his acknowledgments section explains why people did NOT deserve his thanks, people like his parents, his graduate students, his colleagues. It's a rant only a mother could forgive...or maybe not.
House of God Laws - Rumor has it, when medical interns, residents, and nurses need an attitude adjustment because of what they face all day, they refer to the Laws of The House of God.
The laws come from Samuel Shem's book The House of God. A work of fiction, the novel is loosely based on Shem's year as a medical intern. It's a fast pace, cynical view of medical training that bombs all the Marcus Welby M.D. illusions our culture used to carry about the medical profession.
Another funny piece rec'd via email
One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"
Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."
The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"
The legacy we are leaving our kids...Just add the polluted environment and the list is about complete.
- I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
- It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.
- What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you’ll wind up naked.
- You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, "See if you can blow this out."
- Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.
- Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.
Dilbert creator Scott Adams claims this is "everything you need to know about personal investing":
- Make a will
- Pay off your credit cards
- Get term life insurance
- Fund your 401k to the maximum
- Fund your IRA to the maximum
- Buy a house if you want to live in a house and can afford it
- Put six months worth of expenses in a money-market account
- Take whatever money is left over and invest 70% in a stock index fund and 30% in a bond fund through any discount broker and never touch it until retirement
- If any of this confuses you, or you have something special going on (retirement, college planning, tax issues), hire a fee-based financial planner, not one who charges a percentage of your portfolio
Scott Adams calls it his Unified Theory of Everything Financial.
He might be right.
Dear God, I have a question - Here's a charming collection of letters kids have written to God, letters with their questions of the creator. Here are a few samples...
Dear God, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
Dear God, Did you mean for giraffe to look like that or was it an accident.
Dear God, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't you keep the ones you got now?
Clever Shopping Bags - Wonderful series of photos illustrate how good shopping bag design can get your attention. Here is my favorite...
Signs You've Grown Up - Here are my favorites from this perenial email:
Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you - That's a funny transition that I've seen coming for some time...very weird in some cases, think mother-in-law.
Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up - I fight this one everyday.
Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one - Sad, so sad, but true.
You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests - My list of medication has increased significantly recently, which is VERY bothersome. I never used to take anything, and now I'm comparing prices and buy in bulk at Costco.
You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass - Yep, all the way...shame, shame, shame.
Note Home from Teacher - Let's hope things have improved since this letter was written...second to last paragraphs sounds like something out of a President Bush press conference.
I absolutely love this woman's reaction to the National Enquirer headline...But which headline was the cause? Katie colapsing before her wedding to Tom? Or Marie Osmond's suicide attempt? My enquiring mind doesn't really want to know.
This hilarious piece came from (dead link), who received it by email, so I don't know who wrote it. Best part comes at the end, but you need to read the rest to get the picture of what happened...It's one of those "You know you're a redneck when..." moments.
This was the advertisement in Larry’s Pistol & Pawn Shop window next to the condo we rented last month in Florida:
Pocket Taser Stun Gun
Great Gift for the Wife
So I went in to check it out. I saw something that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 30th anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Gisele. What I came across was a 100,000 volt, pocket/purse-sized taser...
The funniest essay I've read, period. Always has me belly laughing, with tears running down my face.
Please do not remove the copyright from this essay
Recently I was honored to be selected
as an Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my Community to be
a judge at a chili cook-off because no one else wanted to
do it. Also the original person called in sick at the last
moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call
I was assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy, and besides they told me I could have
free beer during the tasting, so I accepted this as being
one of those burdens you endure when you're an Internet
writer and therefore known and adored by all.
One of the funniest things I've ever received by email. Truly wish I knew who wrote it.
Dear Mom & Dad,
We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him...
I'm awfully glad I can pee standing up.
Subject: Visit to the Ladies Room
When you have to visit a public bathroom, you usually find a line of women, so you smile politely and take your place. Once it's your turn, you check for feet under the stall doors. Every stall is occupied. Finally, a door opens and you dash in, nearly knocking down the woman leaving the stall. You get in to find the door won't latch. It doesn't matter, the wait has been so long you are about to wet your pants!
What I've Learned: Homer Simpson
Nuclear-power-plant safety inspector, 39, Springfield
Interviewed by John Frink and Don Payne
When someone tells you your butt is on fire, you should take them at their word.
There is no such thing as a bad doughnut.
Kids are like monkeys, only louder.
If you want results, press the red button. The rest are useless.
There are some things that just aren't meant to be eaten.
My favorite color is chocolate.
Rec'd from email chain
The New Alphabet for Boomers -
A is for Apple, and B is for Boat,
That used to be right, but now it won't float!
Age before Beauty is what we once said,
but let's be a bit more realistic instead.
Now A's for arthritis; B's the bad back,
C is the chest pains, perhaps cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline,
E is for eyesight, can't read that top line!
Rec'd from email chain. A play on words (29 of them actually) that all word lovers, lexophiles and humorists will enjoy.
1. A bicycle can't stand alone because it is two-tired.
2. What's the definition of a will? It's a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In democracy it's your vote that counts; In feudalism, it's your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
7. If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
8. With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A- flat minor.
10. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
Rec'd from email chain
HELL EXPLAINED BY CHEMISTRY STUDENT
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
Take a gander at the total fat, saturated fat, sodium, and cholesterol content in this mother of a breakfast from Swanson. It's called the Hungry Man All Day Breakfast--sure to give you arteriosclerosis.
I'll take two.
Received this in an email
A Loving Husband...
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
Wonderful samples of inadvertently embarrassing URLs used by well-intentioned businesses and companies. So many more out there, I'm sure.
Guess the industry of this URL...
I didn't know Fred Clark, but after reading this obituary, I wish I had.
Frederic Arthur (Fred) Clark, who had tired of reading obituaries noting other's courageous battles with this or that disease, wanted it known that he lost his battle as a result of an automobile accident on June 18, 2006.
True to Fred's personal style, his final hours were spent joking with medical personnel while he whimpered, cussed, begged for narcotics and bargained with God to look over his wife and kids.
Absolutely hilarious! I can just see this guy wandering around a Target (or Wal-Mart?) store, stirring up mischief during the holidays. Worthy of Punk'd, Psyched, etc. Who is this Bill Fenton? I want to know so I can get out of his wake. Merry F***ing Christmas!
The following letter was sent to Mrs. Fenton, a long-time patron of a local Target store. After receiving this letter, she vowed that she would NEVER take her husband shopping with her again!
Talk about your Inconvenient Truth (apologies to Al and Tipper).
This piece reveals some uncomfortable truths about men, from lust to football. The playbook has been revealed.
The Wikipedia list of problems solved byMacGyver is growing. Very cool idea. I remember watching this...How many years ago?
Resourcefulness, ingenuity, cleverness...and dumb luck. An encyclopedic mind...on acid? The cleverness of an old-time mechanic/carpenter combined with...Jame Bond? No! Indiana Jones? ....Maybe, kinda-sorta.
Dilbert and IBM - Since I'm now working at IBM (me and about 340,000 others), I found a special affinity for this cartoon, which was passed around by a co-worker. The fact he cc'd our manager with the cartoon tells loads. So from my experience, IBM isn't (always) this way :)
Arrived via cousin Kelly.
God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with
broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables
of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with
that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at
it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went
from size 6 to size 14.
Can you read this?
Fi yuo cna raed tihs, yuo hvae a sgtrane mnid, too. Cna yuo raed tihs? Olny 55 precnet plepoe can. i cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt!
As long as the first and last letter are correct, we can read just about any scramble of letters...
It's become my literary inspiration.
Brian Hester invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Stephanie, was.
Mrs. Hester had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Stephanie, and this had only made her the more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two react, Mrs.Hester started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Stephanie than met the eye.
Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Stephanie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Stephanie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"
Brian said, "Well, I doubt it , but I'll send her a e-mail just to be sure."
I've bumped into variations of this parable in many places. May help us recognize when our energies are not...productive.
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."
"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.
"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."
Steven Wright - Here's another emailed bit of humor. It's by Steven Wright, whose biography consists of the following:
Below is a brief description included with the email. I'm not sure who wrote that part or about the "scientist" part, but Wright sure has a unique way of viewing the world. Enjoy!
Received this from a Port-a-gee from Arkansas.
After their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough as they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. "A less costly alternative," said the doctor, "is to go home, get a cherry bomb, (fireworks are legal in Alabama) light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to your ear and count to 10"
The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest tool in the shed but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me."
"Trust me," said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count...
Yet another fantastically funny email. I wonder if the story behind this has any truth.
For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated:
In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued this press release...
I found religion!
(Link outdated. Read cached copy below.)