Dave Barry

What Dave Barry Learned in 50 Years - Got this by email. Totally hilarious....After the first three, I lost bladder control--Thanks Dave Barry!

  1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
  2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be "meetings."
  3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."


  1. People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
  2. You should not confuse your career with your life.
  3. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
  4. Never lick a steak knife.
  5. The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.
  6. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight savings time.

  1. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
  2. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.
  3. The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above-average drivers.
  4. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important. Pay attention. It never fails.)
  5. Your friends love you anyway.

Don't know where the original resides, but here's Dave Barry's homepage.

Related Posts


Found this post just now that's added a few more to the list. I've tried to highlight the new ones.

The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of
helicopters in it.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and
compelling reason why we observe Daylight Saving Time.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent
sense of humor are telling you that they have no sense of humor.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

The most valuable function performed by the federal government is
entertainment.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely
suggests you think she's pregnant unless you can see an actual baby
emerging from her at that moment.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

A penny saved is worthless.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

They can hold all the peace talks they want, but there will never
be peace in the Middle East. Billions of years from now, when Earth is hurtling toward the Sun and there is nothing left alive on the planet except a few microorganisms, the microorganisms living in the Middle East will be bitter enemies.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,
gender, religion, economic status, or ethnic background, is that,
deep down inside, we all believe that we are above-average drivers.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to
make a big deal about your birthday. That time is: age 11.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

There is a very fine line between 'hobby' and 'mental illness.'
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

People who want to share their religious views with you almost
never want you to share yours with them.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

Nobody is normal.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

If you had to identify, in one word, the reason why the human
race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential,
that word would be: meetings.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

The main accomplishment of almost all organized protests is to
annoy people who are not in them.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

If there really is a God who created the entire universe with all
of its glories, and He decides to deliver a message to humanity, He
will not use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad
hairstyle.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

You should not confuse your career with your life.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

A person who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a
nice person.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too
seriously.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

When trouble arises and things look bad, there is always one
individual who perceives a solution and is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

Your friends love you anyway.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
-- Dave Barry, "25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years"

From 25 Things I Have Learned in 50 Years

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ketz — 08 February 2008, 14:43

and then again you learned nothing, c'est la vie

Barker NY — 21 February 2008, 20:20

Daylight savings time was invented by one of the presidents (franklin?) who realized that we were sleeping in when the sun was out and getting home from work as it began to get dark so we would use lots of oil in lamps in the evening... and he decided if we just changed the clocks 1 hr we'd save all kinds of oil.

bang — 25 February 2008, 01:53

Why not just get up earlier?

luk — 04 March 2008, 08:56

@Bang,

tahat's exacty the point

Casey — 05 March 2008, 16:52

Daylights savings time is for farmers; which is why it is only observed in the United States.

It was made for farmers in this idea to have them have more work hours so they can farm one more hour of the day in the shortening light season.

passin' through — 05 March 2008, 17:25

Actually, DST was started so that the workers would have extra time to make it to the polls and vote. And I think it's not just in the US anymore, if it is it would be pointless for Microsoft to issue patches to fix windows computers that don't get the new daylight saings time right in other countries.....

FailedNinja — 07 March 2008, 12:06

Im in england and we get daylight savings, theyre terribly exciting

  • note the sarcasm*
  • end sarcasm*

Was rather amusing =]

Procrastinating from homework — 10 March 2008, 13:08

I think this useless banter proves the guys point; no one can give you a clear reason why we observe daylight savings time! (And by the way here in Ireland we observe daylight savings time too!)

blitzed — 10 March 2008, 14:24

Daylight savings time was formulated for all those reasons. No need to quarrel.

kitty — 13 March 2008, 08:07

Actually daylight savings was innitiated by Ceasar, because they needed to keep track of seasons for agriculture; and not only the U.S. has it, we also have daylight savings up here in canada...

trevor richards — 13 March 2008, 09:19

smoke weed everyday

snusket — 13 March 2008, 10:29

DST was introduced so people could enjoy the longer evenings in summer by meeting friends after work. the moral of the work force was thought to be boosted that way. here in spain we have it too, didnt work though. people just get pissed drunk and skip work the next day...

snusket — 13 March 2008, 10:34

ok, no kidding though. you do know that it was an Englishman who invented DST, and it was not the US but the Germans who introduced it first...dont you?

snusket — 13 March 2008, 10:34

ok, no kidding though. you do know that it was an Englishman who invented DST, and it was not the US but the Germans who introduced it first...dont you?

zombiedonkey — 13 March 2008, 11:02

who gives a shit about DST? you're all proving mr. Barry's point. However the most destructive thing on the planet is water not gossip.

Richard — 13 March 2008, 14:17

Casey is retarded, think before you speak moron.